imagine that you wake up around four in the morning in the tiny wooden dining room under a pillow fort that is just a sheet covering three chairs, and the windows are open and it’s raining out and the room is cold but humid, and you wake him up and tell him you’re going up to the bed and he is tired but he holds onto your waist from the back and leans his head on your back and says I’m coming with you, and you take his hands in yours and smile to yourself as you drag him up the stairs and you think that he is broken but beautiful and everything is full of love
imagine when you finally feel broken too and you aren’t sleeping and it’s late and you’re staring out his window looking at stickers he put there as a kid: a sparkly almost holographic-like cat holding a ball of yarn and five little gold stars circling around the cat, a green dinosaur you forget the name of but not a t-Rex - something that eats plants for sure, and the white paper remains of a sticker that was peeled off. he sits up and looks at you concerned, says your name, says what are you doing. sounds afraid. (((why is this sadness contagious now it never was before))) you have a slow reaction speed but you muster out this question: what used to be there? you point to the paper remains, he seems confused, why are you thinking about that, he says “i think a sticker of Niagara Falls, like a photograph of it but in sticker form” “did your family go to Niagara Falls” “no it was just a sticker from this nature book” “why did you take it off?” you could cry, you’re not even looking at him, you’re looking at the window, he says are you okay, you tilt your head back so it’s resting on the woodwork of the window, you take a deep breath and sigh out “yeah.” he is broken too and when you lay down with him and hold each other and try to sleep it is not clear who has the stronger grip anymore, you think this isn’t like you, you think you love him like always but you fall sleep imagining you’re falling down Niagara Falls and you can’t do this you can’t do this you can’t do this you can’t do this you can’t do this you can’t do this you can’t do this///
you have to do this you want to do this you love to do this but you can’t do this anymore.